


Silent Dark Crisis Eve of Evil: Dualshock Gold Hyper Madhouse Edition!

by NailStrafer



Category: Star Fox Series
Genre: Comedy, Conspiracy, Gen, Gothic, Gun Violence, Horror, Monsters, Plants, Puzzles, Rocket Launchers, Silly, Survival Horror, Swords, Tentacle Monsters, Vampires
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-01
Updated: 2021-03-01
Packaged: 2021-03-08 04:56:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 11,819
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26759821
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NailStrafer/pseuds/NailStrafer
Summary: Falco and Katt—virtuous heroes answering the call of a paycheck—travel to a remote, mountainous region of Corneria. The mission? Investigate mysterious disappearances and heinous killings near a centuries-old castle. Within the halls await monstrous creatures, murderous psychopaths, and a madman's conspiracy to convert all of Corneria to veganism. Welcome...to Saladman Castle.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome one and all to my Halloween fic for 2020!
> 
> For those of you wondering about the title, this story's meant to be a fun parody/tribute to various horror games I played when I was younger. The title is a mishmash of words from various horror game titles, plus all the extra words Capcom likes to attach to rereleases of their various Resident Evil games. They're the king of that sort of stuff.
> 
> I wanted Falco and Katt to be the main protagonists because I like their character dynamic, and this idea of them being in a horror scenario amused me. Most of this story is references to Resident Evil, though I'm taking bits and pieces from other horror-themed games here and there too, like Alone in the Dark and Castlevania. See if you can spot what is from what game, especially if you're into horror stuff.
> 
> I actually started working on this shortly before Halloween in 2019, but I waited too long and realized I wouldn't get anything post-worthy up in time, so I've decided to try again this year. I probably won't get this entire thing posted in time for October 31, but I think I can get up at least two chapters before then. I'm not planning for this to be a long story, so I'm thinking it'll be about 4-5 chapters in the end.

The gyrowing swooped through the night sky, mountains and dark forests passing underneath. Distant rumbles of thunder and flashes of lightning jumped between the gloomy clouds, blue moonlight struggling to pierce the cover. Katt looked out through the window. They sure were far off the beaten path here, weren't they? It was hard to believe they were still on Corneria. She glanced over at Falco, sitting on a bench on the other side of the passenger compartment. He held an old kinetic pistol in his hand, checking the unloaded weapon's sights. Satisfied, he put the magazine back inside. He only had fifteen bullets in that magazine, plus one spare mag in his green combat vest's pockets, and a knife in a holster on her shoulder. Katt was armed the same.

"So…we're going to this creepy castle in the middle of nowhere to investigate all these missing people, and the only thing we've got are these dinky pistols and knives?" Katt gestured to the pistol in her own holster. "Doesn't seem sufficient to me, Falco. I think we cut our budget a little too much on this one."

"It'll be _fine_." Falco smirked, cockiness on his face. "We're gonna look around for evidence, make a report, and leave. Easy peasy."

The words did little to quell Katt's unease. She was suspicious about the guy who'd invited them on this job, as she glanced to the pilot's seat.

A lion sat there, his rich golden mane gelled and swept backwards down the back of his head, complete with frosted tips. It looked very slick for a lion mane, but also like an outdated hairstyle from the nineties. His expression was unreadable behind his persistent sunglasses, which he had refused to take off for _anything_. Katt found his black fatigues and combat vest suspect too. He'd said his name was Alan Whisker earlier.

"Umm…Falco?" Katt leaned forward towards him, so Whisker wouldn't hear. "Can we trust this Whisker guy? I think he might be evil."

Falco looked up from his weapon. "Why?"

"Uh…the whole black clothing and sunglasses deal…plus the blonde hair. Also we're referring to him by his last name. Not to mention he's offering us a ridiculous amount of money and giving us a ride out here for free and whatnot, even though we're not doing much but making a report. Also with the way he talks, he sounds like an upper crust Brit doing bad stage acting. Kind of the default voice for evil bad guys, you know."

"What, _perchance_ , are you two _dear hearts_ discussing back there?" Whisker said, in his upper crust Brit doing bad stage acting voice.

"Oh, it's nothing Whisker." Falco gave a nervous chuckle. "How far to this castle?"

"You shall see it...over _there_." He pointed a black-gloved finger beyond the next mountain range.

As they passed the final set of mountains, a creepy-looking castle emerged into view. Crumbling walls, towers, and turrets came into sight, the moon at the perfect angle to silhouette it. Dark gardens surrounded the buildings within the walls, and from what little Katt could see the greenery appeared overgrown and unkempt. The castle even had elaborate features like a clock tower and bridges between the various towers. A lightning bolt struck from the heavens at the right time to make it look all the more ominous.

Katt rolled her eyes at the sight. "Oh, this looks delightful. You know how to pick the jobs, Falco." She examined her form-fitting pink T-shirt, the material skin tight and showing off her figure. "Umm…why did I have to come dressed in this? You guys are wearing fatigues and body armor and stuff. I mean, I got boots and combat pants and knee pads, but this shirt doesn't seem like it would provide a lot of protection."

Falco's eyes lit up as he traced her figure, a smile on his face as he looked her over.

"Oh, of course…" Katt sighed. "Also what the hell is up with these shoulder pads?" She rubbed her hands over the _huge_ armor padding covering her shoulders and nothing else. "Do you guys think someone's going to shoot me in the _shoulder_?"

"Love what you did with your hair too." Falco commented. She'd cut it to shoulder length, letting it frame her face. "Now if you dyed it blonde or red or something and—"

"No." Katt folded her arms. "It's pink, or nothing."

"Fine, spoilsport." Falco rolled his eyes.

A red light pinged on the dashboard in front of Whisker. "We appear to be having engine trouble." A small explosion rocked the engine compartment behind them, shaking the craft. "I do believe we have had a… _catastrophic_...mechanical malfunction." Not once did Whisker raise his voice as more of the control panel in front of him lit up in red.

Falco glanced out the window, eyes widening as they descended to the trees. It wouldn't be long before they'd be in the thick of them. Their starboard rotor let out a puff of smoke, the blades halting, and starting back up again. They were still in the air, but for how much longer?

Katt, however, was unshaken. "The timing of this is a little convenient…"

"What are you talking about, Katt?! We're about to die!"

"I don't think so." Katt paid little mind to the outside. "Not yet anyway."

Whisker adjusted the stick, guiding the gyrowing around an oncoming tree with a smooth turn, the portside rotor grazing it enough to send leaf clippings flying everywhere. The bird's knuckle was white as he clutched his armrest, though Katt acted like she was bored on a theme park ride. Another tree loomed large over them, but with another light left tap and right tap on the stick, they drifted around it, Whisker lowering the landing gear in time. The gyrowing slammed to the ground as the starboard rotor died, rattling Katt's teeth and making the craft spin a one eighty, before it groaned to a halt.

Falco let out a breath of relief, grinning to Whisker. "Great save, Whisker! Not as good as I would've done it though!" The bird let out a grin.

"Have you even flown a gyrowing before, Falco?" Katt asked.

Whisker paid it no mind though, turning around. "I am delighted to see the two of you... _are safe_." He enunciated the last two words with some peculiarity, although his emphasis was kinda weird with every other sentence regardless... Whisker's expression hadn't changed one iota throughout the exchange, not helped by the sunglasses.

 _I wouldn't be surprised if he's secretly a cyborg running a text-to-speech program._ "So...uh…" Katt unbuckled herself. "What now? What about a ride? How are we going to get out of here?"

"I fear we shall have to find alternative transportation. _Mayhaps_ we may find some with the local residents." He pointed at the castle, now looming over their heads.

As the three exited the aircraft, Falco and Katt gazed high up at the castle towers above them, another lightning bolt striking at the right time for maximum dramatic effect. The drawbridge was down, the front gate retracted into the ceiling of the gatehouse, as if they had been expected. To Katt though, it looked like the open maw of a gigantic monster waiting to swallow them.

She gave an aside glance to Falco. He didn't seem afraid though. In fact, was it Katt's imagination or did he almost seem...excited? She could see a mysterious glint in his eye, a smile tugging at the edge of his mouth.

"Do we really need to go in there?" Katt waved at the gate. "I mean, isn't this the creepy murder castle the killers might be in?"

A roar echoed throughout the forest, so loud it shook the nearby trees. Katt's fur stood up on end, her tail puffing out as she looked in the direction of the shout. Loud footsteps approached, a copse of trees shaking and shedding leaves as something pushed them aside, followed by another copse close to them. Copse...that word doesn't show up in Star Fox fics much, does it?

Regardless, a massive black mass—over twenty feet tall—smashed through the last set of branches into the clearing, silhouetted by the moon behind it. The creature walked on two legs, swinging its arms out as it let out a bellowing scream at the three Lylatians before it. Though its face was covered in shadow, red eyes glowed on its face, sharp teeth sparkling under the light of the moon. It ran straight for the group, hobbling forward on its fists and knees. One of those fists was bigger than Katt's entire upper body. A single hit would turn her into something with the consistency of chunky salsa.

Out of reflex, she reached for her gun, though she doubted it would help.

Before she could shoot, Falco grabbed her wrist, pulling her towards the castle. "Come on Katt! We can't fight him!" Katt didn't need to be told twice. The two of them ran full pelt for the castle.

She spared a glance behind her. The gigantic monster thing seemed occupied by the gyrowing, so large it pounded its fists upon the cockpit and crushed it like a soda can. It slammed the sides of the vehicle, ripping bits and pieces of it off, before it put its hands underneath the aircraft and lifted hard. The gyrowing creaked, overturning onto its side and crushing the port side rotor with the sound of shredding metal.

The monster glanced around, as if looking for something, until its red eyes settled upon Katt. It was as if it were staring right into her soul. The creature roared so loud the sound waves felt like they would sweep her right off her feet, and then it ran full speed right for them.

Katt's heart pumped harder as she turned back to the yawning castle gate before her, feeling like she had miles to go before they made it. She focused all of her energy into her legs, willing them to run faster faster faster. They had a huge head start, but the monster gained on them within seconds, leaving indentations in the ground where its fists and feet impacted. Katt's feet hit the drawbridge at last, her footsteps turning hollow as they ran across the wood. The drawbridge rose beneath her feet, soon becoming a slope. It obscured the beast from view, trapping it on the other side of the moat.

Even so, she didn't let herself stop, not until they made it through the gatehouse and into the courtyard beyond. Catching her breath, Katt heard a loud clang overhead, the gate crashing shut behind them. The monster roared outside the gates, beating its fists in rage, before it beat a hasty retreat into the woods, trees groaning as the monster slammed them aside.

_Safe...for now._

She gazed up at the guard post positioned above the gatehouse, though nobody seemed to be in there, all of the windows pitch black. Who raised the bridge? Who slammed the gate shut? Katt doubted it was done to protect them from the monster. More like they were meant to be sealed inside this place. She looked around, seeing Falco also catching his breath nearby, but someone else was missing...

"Oh, Whisker's gone. What a surprise." Her sarcasm was obvious.

"Oh no! Did the monster get him?!" Falco looked at the sealed gate.

Katt rolled her eyes. "I told you. He's evil. Bet you he planned the whole thing and ditched us."

"Whisker?" Falco shook his head. "Nah! He seems like a cool guy! I mean, he wears shades all the time! Shades make you cool, right?"

"But wearing them at night?"

"He knows to never drop the cool guy act!"

"It's hopeless talking to you…" Katt shook her head.

"Anyway, we should look for a way out of here."

"How?" She waved to the gate. "Even if we get past the walls, that thing is out there, and we can't outrun it. Plus we're stuck up in the mountains too. Would take weeks of hiking to make it to the nearest village." She glanced around the spooky courtyard, with the crumbling stone masonry and copious amount of weeds growing up over everything. "I doubt they've got an old gasoline-powered car they could loan us, let alone something running on beryllium."

"I'm sure it'll work out fine, Katt!" He put a grin on his face and a hand on her shoulder, waving his other hand around the spooky castle. "We're the plucky heroes off on an adventure, after all!"

Katt raised an eyebrow. "That's...a optimistic way to look at the situation."

" _Greetings!_ " a voice boomed from over their heads. It had a high pitched, aristocratic tone. "Welcome to my castle! I've been waiting for you!"

The two of them turned around, eyeing a mysterious individual on a balcony far over their heads. A cinnamon-colored ferret stood there, wearing an old fashioned suit, complete with a black cape with red underlining, almost like something a vampire would wear. He looked too slender and frail to pull off the complete look though, especially with his wide ferret neck. The neck was almost as wide as his torso, which wasn't wide to begin with.

"I am Caesar Saladman, the castellan of the magnificent Saladman Castle you see around you!" his squeaky voice echoed through the courtyard.

"Caesar...Saladman?" Katt raised an eyebrow, giving an aside to Falco. "Did he say that?"

"Yes, my dear child!" He spread out his cape to attempt dramatic effect. "Have you not heard of the proud and noble Saladman line, stretching back for centuries into antiquity?" He drew his cape close to his face, covering all of it except for his eyes. Like he thought that made him look mysterious or something.

Katt got a big grin on her face, doing her best to hold back a snicker. She soon failed, bursting out laughing so hard she had her hands on her knees.

"Silence, you insolent brat!" Caesar cast the cape aside in anger. "How _dare_ you mock me and my proud line!"

"Yeah Katt!" Falco said. "Why you bein' so rude? He welcomed us in here and everything!"

"Ah well…" Caesar gave a little shake on his cape, adjusting it. "It matters not. We shall not be spending much time becoming acquainted with each other in any circumstance."

"Uh...why?" Katt asked. "You know, if us being here is a problem, maybe you could let us borrow your phone? So we could call for the Great Fox to pick us up or something?"

"Oh, no child! I would like you to meet my...friends." He gave an evil smirk as he adjusted his necktie...menacingly.

"Oh, sounds fun." Falco rubbed his hands together, smiling. "Who are they?"

"A delightful bunch! They will _slay_ you with their charm!" Caesar added a chuckle.

_BANG!_

"Aaaaaah!" Caesar cried, tumbling backwards over his cape.

Falco turned to Katt, the feline holding up her smoking pistol, pointed straight at where Caesar stood.

"Hey! Why'd you do that?" Falco shouted.

"Isn't it obvious?" Katt lowered her pistol. "When he says _friends_ and they're going to _slay_ us he means he's sending people to kill us, dumb dumb! So we should kill him first!"

There was a rustle on the ledge above them, Caesar climbing back to his feet with his hand over half of his face. " _You shot me in the eye! You rotten delinquent!_ " He pointed his bony finger at her again. "How rude!"

"Yeah Katt!" Falco crossed his arms. "Shooting people in the face is not very nice, you know!"

"Uhh…" _Well, this is a bit awkward. Most people have more of a reaction to taking a bullet to the eye._ "Shouldn't you be dead now?"

"Foolish pink hooligan! You think one mere bullet could fell the mighty heir to the Saladman line?"

Shaking her head, Katt fired several more shots at him. Red splotches appeared across his clothes, but it seemed to do little more than irritate him. More than that, as Caesar removed his hand from his eye Katt could _see the eye repairing itself and filling in the hole the gunshot wound left._

"What. The. F-"

"Ah, enough of this!" Caesar waved his arms around in irritation. "I suppose I shall have to procure another suit and cape now. In any case, I hope you find your time here...delightful." He let out another chuckle, as another lighting bolt struck nearby. It hit one of the towers and set it on fire. "Oh, fiddlywinks! Third time this week! I must get the staff—whoever is left of the staff anyway—to chop chop on cleaning the mess up. I shall leave you to your devices now. Children with their pocket computers and whatnot. For your snide remarks and your bullets, I shall especially make sure you are looked after, Miss Pink." He gave her a little smile as he turned around, sweeping his cape behind as he departed. "Tootle loo, kiddies! Hahahah…"

 _He's gonna 'look after' me? I don't like the sound of that…_ Katt checked her magazine for her pistol. Only a few shots left, plus her spare magazine. Sighing, she loaded the fresh mag. "Vampires now? Really?"

"Silly Katt, vampires are make believe!" Falco seemed unusually chipper, in spite of what they'd seen.

"Then how is he fine after being shot in the eye?"

"I think I know how, but I'm not going to say until we get more evidence." Falco smirked, still strangely happy about the situation. "Speaking of that, we should split up and look for clues!"

"Split...up?" Did she hear him right? "When there's big ass monsters running around, we're in this creepy castle with this not-vampire guy, and we don't have a clue where we are or what we're doing?"

"Yeah, so we can cover more ground!" He was already jogging away backwards, headed towards a massive set of ornate double doors underneath Caesar's balcony.

"That's a bad idea, Falco!" Katt jogged after him, trying to keep up.

"See ya!" Falco took off running through the doors into the keep, slamming them aside.

Sighing, Katt followed after him. The two of them entered a huge entrance hallway, with a grand staircase in the center adorned with a blood red carpet. Artwork depicting scenes of Corneria's medieval past adorned the walls, along with a massive number of murals on the domed ceiling far over their heads. Most of them seemed to depict various scenes of ferrets in formal clothing dating back centuries ago; they were likely the Saladman line that Caesar spoke of. A multitude of doors filled the room, leading to the different wings of the castle. There was even a second floor balcony with a bridge crossing the whole room. Candles provided the only illumination, lit in copious quantities on stands and chandeliers.

Falco stopped, grinning as he took it all in.

Meanwhile, Katt, out of breath stumbled into the hallway after Falco, leaning on her knees to catch her breath.

"Hey! Why are you following me? I told you we're splitting up!"

"Falco, have you seen any horror movies from the past four hundred years or so? You know how they end when the cast 'split up to cover more ground', right?" She glanced around the elaborate ornamentation of the main hall they found themselves in. "Anyway, you look like you're having fun, but we're sticking together, okay?"

Falco didn't seem to like the idea, though he gave a reluctant shrug. "Okay, fine. I guess at least with you around we can carry more stuff."

"Carry...stuff? We're gonna be picking things up? Ugh, whatever. As long as you don't run off again." Katt gazed at the candles again, all around the room. Seemed like an awful lot of trouble to go to with all the modern lighting systems they had today. Her eyes fixed upon a statue of a Cerinian with a vase on her shoulders. She looked at the plaque on its base. "'Cerinian Drawing Water…' Huh, there's something in the bowl up there. Looks like a piece of paper. Hey, Falco! Give me a boost!"

Falco fumed. "Why do I gotta?"

"You're supposed to be the big strong man around here, right?" A wicked smile crossed her face. "Or should I call you little ma—"

"All right, fine! Long as you don't use the nickname again!"

Katt smirked. At least she could rein him in this way.

Katt stood on Falco's back, fishing the paper out and jumping back to the floor. As she unfurled the paper, she said, "Huh...how convenient. A map of the keep we're in." Her eyes flew over the page, looking over the rooms. The corridors seemed to be winding and the rooms tiny, and overall not an efficient use of floor space at all. Nonetheless… "There's a backdoor here." She pointed at the north side of the keep. "Looks like it'll take us deeper into the castle. I hope there's something back there we can use to get out of this place."

"So how do we get there?"

"Umm...looks like this door behind the Cerinian statue would work."

They tried it, and it was locked. Annoyed, Katt glanced at the door again. "Uh...why's it got a carving of a carrot on the door knob?"

"Never mind, we can try this other door over here on the second floor." Falco pointed towards it. It also turned out to be locked, this time with a carving of a cucumber.

"Okay, how about this door to the east wing?" Katt suggested. Also locked, this time with a tomato on the knob.

Katt snarled, scrunching up the map in her hands. "What's with all the freaking vegetables?!"

"Katt, a tomato is a fruit!"

"Uh, what? No it's not! It's a—" She shook her head. "Ugh, forget it!"

She looked around the room again. Seeing all of the plants on the door knobs got her to notice this place appeared to have a plant motif. Things like berries and leaves detailed the tops of the marble columns, while the olive drab wallpaper had subtle contrasting images of various other fruits and vegetables. Even the luxurious red chairs around vaguely resembled apples with a 'slice' cut open where the person would sit. Why though? _Oh, wait...Saladman. So he's gotta style his castle after things you'd put in a salad too. How nice._ She rolled her eyes.

Nonetheless… "All right, is _this_ door unlocked?" This door was much smaller in appearance, and probably why they hadn't seen it first out of the more elaborate ones. Nonetheless, this time, the door opened with a satisfying snick. "At last!"

On the other side was a corridor of gray stone, lined with columns and pots filled with green fern plants, long leaves draping down the sides of their containers. Nothing seemed off about the place, but the two kept their guns up, looking all around.

"Hmm...this is the first corridor." Falco said. "Careful now. Bet you we're about to get attacked."

"What are you babbling on about, Falco?"

They made it about halfway through, when one of the ferns trembled. The two pointed their guns at it, but it stopped moving. A fern behind them shook instead. They spun around again, and nothing happened...until _all_ of the ferns shook. Something brushed against Katt's arm, and she turned to see a fern's leaves extending to reach her. She tried to brush it away, but it grabbed around her wrist...hard. A second plant grabbed around her other wrist, holding her in position in the center of the hallway. She cried out, the one grabbing her right wrist so hard her pistol fell out of her hands and clattered to the floor. _What the hell is this?! Falco was right?_

This forced her to look down the hall, where she saw the leaves of two ferns forming together into a two-legged shape...walking down the hallway towards her. The leaves at the tips of it's 'arms' hardened into sharpened edges, sparkling in the dim light of the corridor. It curled the 'blade' backwards, as if preparing to whip it back to stab it straight through her heart. Though she struggled against the leaves bound to her wrists, they almost seemed as strong as chains. She tried to kick the plant thing away, but her legs wouldn't reach.

Falco grabbed one of the leaves holding her in place, cutting through it with his knife, quickly doing it with the other one.

"Come on! We've got to get out of here!"

Free now, Katt grabbed her pistol off the floor. The leaf man stalked towards her, the individual fern leaves swaying about in the air as it moved closer. She fired with her pistol several times, bits of leaf flying off the being, although it seemed to do little else. Then again...it was a plant. Shooting leaves off a plant usually didn't damage it much.

"Leave them! We gotta save ammo!" Falco grabbed Katt's wrist, pulling her towards the exit.

The rest of the ferns lining the hall reached out to grab them, Katt breathing hard as she ducked, swatting them away with her hands. The edges of the leaves were sharp, leaving cuts as she hit them away. She hissed, gritting her teeth, but focused on making it out of the passage above all else. Falco reached the door at the end of the hall first, pushing it aside and waving Katt through. He slammed the door shut, some of the leaves getting torn as it closed on them. The fragments settled to the ground, lying still.

Katt backed away from the door, keeping her eyes on it. Had that really just happened? Killer plants? That could form into walking bodies? What the hell was this place? Was that what Caesar meant by friends?

Falco grinned at her. "Hey, it's okay! They can't go through doors!"

Katt raised an eyebrow. He seemed so confident in his response. "How do you know?" However, as she listened, the other side of the door seemed still and silent. No sound of the monsters came back. She ignored his smug grin and moved on. "Never mind. So we can't go back. What now though?"

"We run around, solving puzzles, finding keys and other random shit, and use it to find out way out!" He had a gleeful look on his face.

_Where is his enthusiasm coming from?_

"Anyway," he continued, "we should look around for those plant keys so we can unlock some doors and make progress!"

"Plant keys?"

"Yeah! The carvings of plants on the door knobs? That means there's matching keys hidden elsewhere in the house to find!"

Katt thought to question him on how he knew that, plus everything else he'd predicted so far, but she decided to suggest something else instead. "Why not open a window, climb out, and see if they've got another gyrowing or ship or something around here for us to take?"

"Kaaaaaaaatt…" Falco put a feathered wing on her shoulder. "Come on! Jumping out a window would be cheating!"

"Cheating?" Katt tilted her head. "Wha—?"

"Come on!" Falco marched down the hallway. "Let's begin our search!"

Shaking her head, Katt followed after him. He was already trying various doors to see if any of them were open. Of course, most of them were locked. They caught a break though, and Falco found one unlocked.

They stepped into a cozy little living room. Seemed innocent enough, although after the plant hall Katt couldn't stop looking at the potted bush in the corner. She didn't care if it was plastic. As for the rest of the room, it had a couch, coffee table, TV, dresser, end tables, lamps...and a shotgun mounted on the wall. The shotgun was an old-fashioned type dating back centuries, made of heavy metals and wooden furniture.

"All right!" Katt grinned, running over and snatching it straight off the wall-mounted rack.

Though the weapon was ancient, it was good having something bigger than a pistol. Her happiness was interrupted when a loud _thunk_ sounded from the gun rack. The two levers previously holding the shotgun rose up, and a loud clanking sound echoed behind the wall.

The ceiling over their heads rumbled, descending at a rapid pace. In several seconds, they'd be a Falco and Katt sandwich, with a side of couch, coffee table, TV, and whatever else was in the room.

"Katt! Put the shotgun back!" Falco cried out.

 _Don't need to tell me twice!_ She slammed the shotgun back on the levers. With another loud rumble, the ceiling rose back up to its original position, stopping with a loud clank. She stared at the ceiling. _Damn, go figure this place has death traps too..._

"Ah, the classic shotgun switcheroo puzzle." Falco looked around the room, a big smile on his face.

"Uh...that's a thing?"

"Yup." Falco nodded. "Somewhere else in the castle, there's going to be a broken shotgun we need to find to swap the real one with, and then we can get it out of here—"

"Why not use these old, heavy fireplace pokers here instead?" Katt lifted a few out of the metal stand next to the fire place, grunting a bit as she hefted them. "I think they'd be heavy and long enough to keep the levers down."

"Kaaaaaaatt! What did I say about cheating?"

"Why are you so obsessed with this 'cheating' thing?" She lowered the pokers. "We're trying to survive! There aren't rules about how we do it!"

"Haven't you ever played any Dino Catastrophe games? Together in the Light? Wicked Mansion? Slaughter Home?"

"What the hell are you talking about?!"

"Horror games!" Falco waved his arms around. "You know! The old ones! The cool ones! The ones with cool, suave characters, who run around fighting monsters, battling evil corporations, saying one-liners, and stuff like that! Not the lame, new ones where you wander around in a dark maze without any weapons until the one monster finds you and kills you, or the one where you wait for the killer ROBs to come into your office and kill you."

Katt couldn't believe what she was hearing right now. "This is real life! Who cares about games right now?"

"I do! Katt...this is like…" He waved around the room. "Like my dreams come to life here! You have any idea how many times I've played Wicked Mansion Remake? Now's my chance to do it for real! Don't mess this up for me!"

Rolling her eyes, Katt stormed past him, snatched the shotgun right off the rack, shoved the gun in his hands, and put the pokers in its place. "Whatever. Now let's hit the road!"

Falco seemed hurt, glancing at the rack with the pokers, but nonetheless he followed her back out into the hallway.

They walked to the end of the hall, Falco trying out the door there. He frowned when he tried the door knob. It seemed stuck in his hands, and didn't want to turn easily.

"Can we get through that door?" Katt asked.

"We can but… We can only go through this door a couple of times, I think. The door knob might break, and we might not be able to go through this door anymore! We should think carefully about—"

Katt snatched the shotgun straight out of Falco's hands, and struck the door knob several times with the buttstock. After a few loud clangs, the knob fell right off, clattering on the floor. Katt smirked as she pushed the knobless door back and forth, swinging freely without a latch.

"There, we don't have to worry about it anymore!"

Falco glared at Katt, though he said nothing. He probably wanted to rant about cheating again or something, but held his tongue. However, Katt noticed his eyes focusing on something behind her. She turned around, seeing some kind of scroll leaning against the wall near a dresser.

Katt picked the scroll up, and unfurled it to reveal an anime cat girl in armor that looked more like it was meant to show off her body instead of protect her from anything. "Umm… What's this thing doing here?"

"It must be part of another puzzle!" Falco said.

"You uh...sure it's not something someone randomly left here?"

"No, it must be part of a puzzle! I don't know how or why yet, but finding out is part of the fun!"

"Fun…" Katt shook her head laughing. "You call being stuck in a castle full of plant monsters and death traps this fun?"

"Of course! Aren't you having a good time?"

"I think I'd prefer living over having fun…" She held out the scroll to Falco. "Guess you can carry the scroll since you think it's so important."

Falco accepted it. "All right, but I hope we find an item box soon. We're filling up our inventories."

"Item...box? We're gonna throw stuff in a box instead of keeping it on us?"

"Well, yeah! We don't have enough room to carry everything all the time, you know."

"I know but...what do you mean item box? Like are you saying there's a particular chest in this castle specifically for intruders like us?"

"Of course! Spooky places like these always have them conveniently scattered around for adventurers!"

"Uh, okay…" Katt decided to just go with it, considering Falco's earlier predictions.

The two were interrupted by laughter echoing through the hallways. It sounded high pitched, but even more so than Caesar's, like the person laughing hadn't made it through puberty yet. Someone rounded the corner. A man stood there, his face and body concealed by a hooded black cloak. The only visible part of him was two black-gloved hands.

"Who's this guy?" Falco said.

"Umm, you don't know?" Katt asked. "I thought you knew everything about these old horror games you like to play."

"Oh, wait! I got it!" He pointed at the newcomer. "You must be the guy who stalks us throughout the house! The one enemy you can't kill!"

Cloak Guy let out a shrill laugh. He pulled out a gigantic anime-esque sword from behind his back, the blade almost as long as he was tall. It also had an elaborately-detailed bronze handle that didn't look practical, what with how many sharp edges the guard had. This guy was probably hoping his black cloak was scary, but he looked like somebody about to go cosplaying instead.

"What is this? Some kind of joke?" Katt grinned. "What's this guy gonna do? I bet that sword is plastic."

The kid swung his sword through a nearby nude Cerinian statue, passing through it like it wasn't there. The top half of the statue fell off, shattering on the floor, sending the poor stone Cerinian's head rolling across the floor towards Falco and Katt.

 _Okay…_ Katt took a step back, raising her pistol. _Not plastic then._

The cloaked man charged them, waving the huge sword as he ran. Even though the corridor was small, he didn't have trouble cutting through whatever the blade touched. He left giant gashes in the wall, also slicing straight through paintings, chairs, and anything else in his way.

Katt fired several shots at the charging cloak guy. He staggered backwards, falling to his knee, blood dripping to the floor. But within seconds, the man rose to a stand again, like gunshots did little more than annoy him. And now she'd spent most of her spare mag on top of her first mag...

"What are you doing?! You can't kill the stalker!" Falco grabbed her hand, pulling her down the hallway as Cloak Man rushed after them. "You gotta wait for the designated boss fight where you finally kill him for good!"

Cloak Man kept chasing them, wildly swinging his sword over his head, even cutting right through the broken door they'd passed through not long ago.

"He's gaining on us!" Katt cried out. "What do we do?!"

"In here!" Falco stopped at a door, slamming it wide open. He quickly shut it behind them. They found themselves in a small bedroom with little more than a bed, a dresser, and a wardrobe _._ And no other exits.

"In there, quick!" Falco indicated towards the wardrobe.

"But he's gonna—!"

"No time!"

The two leaped inside the wardrobe, slamming it shut behind them. They backed up, trying to get behind the dusty clothes as best as they could. Even so, Katt's heart pounded as she looked through the slats in the wardrobe door, back at the room's entrance. _This won't work! That guy saw us come into this room, and this is the only place to hide in here! He'll figure out where we are in no time flat!_ She raised her pistol, pointing it at the bedroom's door, her grip on the weapon sweaty.

The giant sword's blade cut diagonally through the bedroom door, sending the two halves clattering to the stone floor. It wouldn't be long before the same thing happened to the wardrobe with the two of them in it...


	2. Chapter 2

Footsteps thumped into the bedroom. With how sharp it was, the sword made swishing noises simply from being moved around. Katt risked a peek through the crack in the door, seeing the hooded man gaze around the room.

Then he turned towards the wardrobe, giving it a long stare, his face shadowed under the hood.

Katt held her breath, moving her finger to the trigger, though she doubted this dinky pistol would help much.

Several seconds passed, Katt almost feeling the hooded guy staring straight through her even though she couldn't see his face. The hooded man raised his sword. But instead of taking a swing, he threw the blade over his shoulder, tapping it. That rhythmic tapping was like a clock ticking down to her death. If that guy swung his sword at the wardrobe, he'd probably cut it in half along with herself and Falco.

Speaking of Falco, she spared him a glance, but his face was the mark of serenity, regarding the situation as if nothing were wrong. Why was he so calm?!

_Skritch, scritch._

The hooded man turned around, his boots scratching the floor. He stepped back into the hallway, past the cut-in-twain door, the gigantic sword still over his shoulder.

Katt's jaw dropped. _Why the frick didn't he swing his sword at us? I should be happy, but now I almost feel pissed off! This sword guy's an idiot! Also..._ Falco had a mighty big smug grin on his face.

"I thought he had us dead to rights!" Katt whispered.

"Told you hiding here would work, right?" Falco whispered back.

"For a serial killer, he's not that intimidating if the ol' 'hide in the closet' trick can fool him." She paused. "Well, aside from the whole 'shoot him in the head and he acts like I just shot him with a marsmallow' thing."

"Anyway, we better get out of here." Falco's grin vanished, his voice turning serious. "These killers are smart and they won't be fooled by the same hiding spot twice!"

Katt's face turned blank. _We are still alive, so...okay, I'll roll with that._

The wardrobe door creaked open, both of them stepping out.

_Clank, clank!_

Katt near jumped out of her fur at the noise behind her, but it turned out to be a key...probably falling out of the pockets of one of the garments in the closet. She knelt down, picking it up. "Oh hey, I think it's one of those veggie keys!" She glanced at the end of it, spying a carving of a carrot. Katt's ears deflated. "Only god knows how many more there are around this damn castle..."

A phone trilled out in the hallway, playing what sounded like a trendy pop song in some foreign language. Sounded like music from one of those Zonessian animes Falco liked to watch.

The ringtone was silenced, as whoever answered the phone. "Yeah? Dad?" The voice was high pitched and squeaky, reminding Katt of the shrill laugh the sword guy had.

_Hey, wait a second..._ She crept up to the bedroom's doorway, peeking outside. The hooded man stood there, except he'd thrown his hood back to better hear the phone, giving Katt a look at the back of his head. He was a ferret with brown fur, like Caesar. Except for some reason, this kid had a silver wig on his head, the gray hair flowing down in long curtains that framed his face. In any case, the kid had his phone on speaker, so Katt could hear what both of them were saying.

"Have you disposed of the two interlopers, my dear son Osmund?"

"What? Oh, them... Yeah, they gave me the slip."

"...are you forgetting to check obvious hiding spots again?"

"What?!" Osmund froze up. "Uh...no! No I'm not!"

"I happen to recall when a previous intruder tricked you by sitting in a chair and throwing a sheet over themselves. And also that other time you missed that fat man hiding behind a skinny lamp post. Ugh...I wish the serum could've improved your observational skills! My gifts of immortality and super strength are wasted on you!"

"Hey, though! You're the one who tested it by pulling out a machine gun and shooting me eighty eight times with it! That really hurt! I know it was eighty eight times because that's how many bullets I had to pull out!"

"You, dear son, are the one who said he wanted to be like Delibito the Devil Hunter or whatever his name is! I imagine even now you are wearing that ridiculous wig and costume! Another one of those ridiculous characters from those silly television games of yours! Anyway,I had to ensure the serum worked before you tried doing backflips off the wall and swinging that ridiculous sword of yours around! By the way, do you have any idea how many times I have had to fix the wall in your room from how many times you've kicked off of it? I have many other things my servants should be doing elsewhere around the estate, and I haven't had the time to grow more of them!"

_Grow?_ Katt's eyes widened. _He's growing people?!_

Falco tapped her on the shoulder, nodding his head towards the hallway leading away from Osmund. Though she would've preferred to wait for this guy to leave, perhaps it'd be best if they vacated the area while he was busy talking. They tiptoed down the corridor right behind Osmund's back, Katt praying they got around the corner before the kid looked behind him.

"Also, you spend far too much time playing pretend with those silly dolls of yours, of those scantily clad women!" Caesar scolded. "What is that new one you got? Her name was Milla Vanilla or some scandalous name of that nature? You do understand that these fantasy women are merely that...fantasy?"

"Hey! Milla's the latest one in the line of Zonessian Action Babes! I've been waiting for ages for a new one to come out!"

"Oh pish posh! I give you far too much freedom, young son! Where did I go wrong to raise an heir such as you to the Saladman line? You can't even catch a ridiculous pink hooligan and her boy friend in a timely manner and-" Caesar paused. "Oh, wait a moment. The intruders! Osmund, hurry up and find them! And check those hiding spots!"

"Oh, fine!" Osmund whined. "I'll do it!"

Katt's heart skipped a beat as she tiptoed faster, herself and Falco jumping around the corner as Osmund turned around and re-entered the bedroom they'd been hiding in. There was a swing, and then the sound of pieces of wood and clothing falling to the floor.

"I knew they weren't there," Osmund huffed.

"...did you just destroy another one of my antique wardrobes? Son, do you know how much those cost to replace?! You could...you know, just a suggestion, _open_ them to look inside first?!"

"Hey, you're the one who told me to check everywhere!"

"Ugh, I'll deal with it later! In the meantime, I must find the third intruder! That blonde buff British buffoon must be around here somewhere..."

Katt and Falco used the opportunity of father and son bickering to sprint away, hurrying to the other side of the castle. The two of them leaned on their knees, struggling to catch their breath.

"Go figure..." Katt wheezed. "Caesar son's just as much of a wacko too, huh?"

"Just like any good crazy family of isolated, shut in killers, huh?" Falco seemed happy about that, like this was exactly what he wanted. "Anyway, we better hurry and figure out where to go next before we run into him again! It's kind of annoying to have to stop to look for hiding spots, isn't it?"

_Annoying? Almost getting killed is annoying?_ Katt glared at him. "Guess you're right though. Let's hurry up and see where that carrot key goes."

They tried several doors along the corridor, though most of them were locked and had symbols of other vegetables. Katt wanted to just blast them all open with the shotgun, though they didn't have the ammunition for that. It was amazing the variety of doors here though. Red doors, blue doors, wooden doors, metal doors... You could almost make an art book out of all of them.

However, they finally found a door that fit the carrot key, as Katt heard a satisfying snick. She pushed the door open. And then she tried to shut the door again.

Before she could, Falco thrust a hand in the way, holding it open.

Inside the room, LED lights glowed in various colors on the wall, plus numerous action figures and models lay scattered around, not to mention body pillows of anime girls and airsoft weapons, plus fake swords and plushies.

"Do you really want to go in there?" Katt asked. "This has to be Osmund's lair! What if he comes back?"

"Don't worry, we're safe here." He walked into the room.

"Umm...how do you figure that?" With hesitance, Katt followed after him, stepping over the threshold.

He pointed towards the computer on the desk in the corner. It was an ancient one with dirty gray plastic and a CRT monitor, along with a mechanical keyboard and primitive trackball mouse.

"When you see an outdated piece of tech like that for recording data, that means it's a save point! The stalkers aren't allowed to go into the save rooms!"

"Uh...a save room?"

"Oh yeah, a place where we can settle down and relax a bit, if we want to. By the way, you can dump all your stuff in that box over there if you want." He indicated towards a huge rusty metal chest, sitting next to the desk. "Remember what I said about how you can use them to store your stuff? All the boxes are linked to each other too!"

"So there's matching boxes, all over the castle, just like this one...and they're all linked to each other. Like we can pick up our crap at other identical boxes?" It sounded insane in her head.

"Yup, that's right!" Meanwhile, the bird busied himself looking around the room.

She started at the chest. Didn't look that different from any other chest, although it did look kinda out of place in such a weird room. Nonetheless, she looked at the shotgun in her hands. They hadn't found much ammo for it, and she was getting tired of carrying it, so maybe it'd be a good idea to put it away for a bit. Sighing, she opened up the chest, placing the shotgun inside, and shutting the lid.

Meanwhile, Falco seemed interested in one wall of the room. A series of anime wall scrolls hung there, the design implying they were meant to be hung as a group. However, one was missing.

"Ha! Told you Katt!" Falco held up the scroll they'd collected from that hallway earlier. "We did need this for a puzzle!"

Katt was stunned, realizing Falco was right. "All right, fine." She let out a sigh. "I guess hang it up and let's see what happens..."

Falco hung the scroll in the empty spot...and nothing happened. "Hmm..." Falco took a closer look. "Ah, I see! They're out of order! We need to sort them!"

Taking a quick glance, Katt rolled her eyes. "Oh, of course. They form a picture of a naked fox girl. What a surprise."

The two of them soon had them in the right order. Next to the scrolls, a hidden wall panel slid open, revealing a small cabinet.

"Okay, good. Now we can get out of here before that weeb comes back..." Katt yanked on the handle, but it wouldn't budge. "Falco? Shouldn't it open?"

Falco took a closer look. "Oh, there's a keypad here. We have to figure out the combination somehow. We should look around the room for clues!"

"Clues? Like what?"

"The first thing to look for would be a diary."

"You think Osmund keeps a diary?" She glanced at more of the lewd art in the room. "Uh, I don't think I wanna read it, even if I find it."

"Actually, never mind... I have an idea." Falco eyed a set of anime girl figurines on top of a nearby book case full of DVDs, plastic anime weapons, and...assorted toys. Katt tried to not look too hard at those.

"So what's your idea?" Katt crossed her arms.

"Osmund mentioned Zonessian Action Babes before, right?"

"Uh, yeah?"

"And he mentioned the latest one, Milla Vanilla." He pointed to one of the figurines. Milla Vanilla turned out to be a white lioness wearing an equally white outfit that didn't hide much, and she was posing with some kind of sword that also looked like a keyblade.

"Lucky for me, I _also_ watch Zonessian Action Babes, and I know the order they go in!" Falco beamed.

"What a surprise!" Katt grit her teeth.

Falco soon sorted through the figurines, putting them in the order by season. However, nothing happened.

"Now what?" Katt asked.

Though this stumped Falco for a moment, a light bulb seemed to go off in his head, as he picked up one of the figurines and checked the base. Osmund had painted the number seven there with whiteout. When he went to check the others, they all had their own numbers too. "Seven, eight, four, two." Falco said aloud. "That's the code!" Excited, he rushed over to the safe and pushed the code into the keypad.

The safe beeped, popping open.

"Huh..." Katt found herself impressed. "You know Falco, I never figured you'd be patient enough to solve puzzles like this. Kinda weird seeing you be this way."

"What can I say?" He grinned. "Old horror games got me good at figuring stuff out."

Falco reached inside the safe, and pulled out a strange hexagonal piece of brass metal. One side depicted an apple.

"So what's that for?" Katt asked.

"Looks like a crest." Falco turned it up and down.

"A...crest? What are we going to do with that?"

"I don't know, we'll just have to keep searching and find out. Anyway, I think we can get out of this room now."

"Thank god for that..." Katt cast a wary eye over the room once more.

They exited the room and headed back into the hallway.

"Say, wasn't there a door in the main hall that had a carrot on the knob? It was behind that Cerinian Drawing Water statue." Katt pulled out the map they'd found in the aforementioned sculpture's bowl. "Oh yeah, that door leads to the back door too, doesn't it? We might be able to get out of the main keep and further into the castle that way."

"Now you're getting it, Katt!" Falco beamed with pride, patting her on the back. "Let's get going!"

They trekked back to the main hall, unlocking the carrot door there. On the other side, there was a short candle-lit hallway that led to an impressive set of double doors, framed by windows. Instead of plain metal, the doors had a massive brass plate mounted to them, cut where the doors met. A giant fruit basket relief was carved into the metal, shimmering in the dim light. _Isn't this the same metal as the crest thingy we just found?_ In fact, Katt noticed a hexagonal hole in the plate, on top of a carving of an apple. "Hey! That's where that apple crest goes!"

Katt was so excited she swiped it out of Falco's hands and pushed it flush into the hole. She tried the doors...and they wouldn't budge.

"Uh...Katt." Falco pointed at the brass plate. "Look again."

Taking a second look, she realized there were _forty nine_ other hexagonal holes to put other crests. Her jaw dropped.

Falco looked at the bottom of the plate, noticing an inscription. "' _When my basket is full, we can go on a picnic.'_ Looks like we're gonna have to find the rest to get out of the castle."

"Forty nine of these? You kidding me?!" She gave the door a soft kick. "What other crazy stuff are we gonna have to do to get out of here?!"

"Ah come on!" Falco smirked. "Finding that first one wasn't so bad!"

"Falco...c'mere." She stepped over to the window right next to the door, undid the latch, and opened it up. A cool night breeze filtered in from outside, along with the sound of leaves rustling in the wind. "Why even bother hunting for the crests? Why don't we just jump out this window and get out of here? And don't tell me it's because it'd be cheating or whatever!"

"Well, searching for supplies is an important part of surviving in a situation like this. If we move ahead too quickly, we'll miss out on finding lots of cool stuff, like weapons and ammo. And the monsters are only gonna get stronger the further we keep going! We're gonna need everything we can find. We need to search _everywhere_! Even weird places you may not think to look!"

"What makes you think that stuff's gonna be just laying around the castle?"

Falco smirked. "Oh, come with me, survival horror novice, and I shall show thee."

Going back into the main hall, Falco borrowed the map, locating a small guest bathroom just off the main hall. They entered inside. It seemed ordinary to Katt. Vanity, medicine cabinet, toilet, a small vase of plastic flowers for decoration. What the hell would they find in here that would help them?

Then Falco went to the toilet, opened the lid and reached right inside.

"Falco?!" Katt winced. "Aren't you gonna even roll up your sleeve?!"

Nonetheless, he pulled out a wet magazine of pistol ammo and held it out to Katt, dripping toilet water and all.

"See?! I told you! More bullets for you!"

"Ugh! Get that away from me!" She looked away, waving her hands.

"But it fits our guns!"

"Uh...it does?" She took a second look. Sure enough, it was the type of pistol magazine for their weapons. "Well, isn't that convenient?"

"Anyway, if you don't want it, I guess I can keep the bullets then..."

Katt's eyes widened. "Oh, no wait! I do want them!"

Falco smirked, opening up the medicine cabinet over the vanity, and inside was another magazine of ammo hidden behind some expired pills. "Here, take these then!"

"Who stores ammo in a bathroom? In a toilet?"

"Told ya! You gotta search everywhere! And we need all the ammo we can get."

"Fair enough. We did shoot Caesar and his son with nearly all our bullets and don't really have anything to show for it, do we? Okay, fine. Let's look for stuff."

~X~

"We shoulda just climbed out that damn window..." Katt wheezed

Two hours later, she found herself a lot more tired and pissed off. They'd been doing laps all over the damn castle. She thumbed through a backpack they'd located inside an empty barrel in the kitchen's wine cellar. Oh, and of course, the barrel had only opened after they'd solved a puzzle sorting the red wines by hue, the white wines by vintage, and the champagne by bubbliness.

_We could be here all weekend at this rate._

"So...uh..." She yawned, as she rifled through the contents of her backpack. "In addition to the other junk we collected, we found some old beef jerky behind the dryer in the laundry room, some fresh chewing gum glued to the bottom of a plant pot in the conservatory, and uh...a musical score underneath the terrarium in a sitting room. But you're sure we're gonna need all of this later, Falco?"

"Absolutely! We're gonna need it for puzzles, I just know it!"

"Uh...okay then." She knew that he could be right, given what they'd seen before, but how the hell would all this random crap help them get out of here? For how long they'd been searching, they sure hadn't found many bullets or other weapons like he'd promised.

They kept walking the halls, trying more doors as they went, most of them locked of course, until Falco found another one that twisted open no problem.

"Huh...this room looks nice."

"Nice?"

Katt looked inside. Actually, it did seem more pleasant a place to be than most of the other areas of the castle they'd visited. A lit candelabra drew her eyes, as it sat on an ornate wood and marble table in the center of the room, giving warm light to the rest of the room. The rich brown rug underfoot covered a checkered floor. A wine red love seat sat in the corner, next to a fully stocked wine cabinet, as a piano laid silent in the corner.

"Oooh! Perfect!" Falco snatched the musical score away from Katt, hurrying to put it onto the piano. He cracked his fingers (kinda weird thinking about a bird having fingers), settling down on the piano's bench as he swept the folds of his clothing back.

"Hey! Wait a second!" Katt stopped him. "What are you doing? The noise might lure our old weeb friend back to us!"

"Nah, it's okay. Look." He pointed at a nearby CRT computer.

Katt blinked. "Oh...got it. Save room. Duh." She shrugged.

"The shotgun you put in the box in Osmund's room should be in there!" He pointed off to the side.

She looked again, spotting a familiar chest next to the PC. It looked near identical to the chest they'd seen in Osmund's room. Could it be the same one? With trepidation, she crossed the floor, opening up the box. "No way!" She reached inside, pulling outside the very same shotgun she'd left in the same chest in Osmund's room. "You're kidding me... These item-teleporting boxes actually work?!"

"They sure do!" Falco laughed.

Katt couldn't stop staring at her shotgun. Could this be real? This was some sci-fi teleporter shit here. _Oh, wait a minute. I exist in a sci-fi universe, don't I? Maybe we_ do _have that shit already._

Falco's feathered fingers found their positions upon the piano keys, the sound of a classical musical piece soon filling the room.

"Gosh...you play the piano too, Falco?" She listened to the music. It sounded great, much better than she thought it would. Almost like a professional recording. "I'm learning all kinds of new things about you today."

He didn't seem to notice, the notes still floating through the air around her.

Since he was occupied, she turned her attention back to the chest. If she could dump her all crap in here and pick it up somewhere else later, that suited her just fine. Her shoulders were aching.

Katt removed her backpack and unzipped it, upending all the contents into the chest. Chewing gum, loose change, beef jerky, eleven herbs and spices, glass gems, necklaces, a rope, a car battery, a square-ended crank, a hexagonal-ended crank, some playing cards, an invitation to a jazz festival that was in Corneria City twenty years ago, bolt cutters, a pair of dice, a bonsai tree, a garden hose, a rope ladder, vacation slides, a motherboard from an ancient ZTX3600 PC, an old bag with a veggie burger and fries and a receipt dated fifteen years ago, some pukpuk eggs, dumbledang pods, blue grubtub fungus mushrooms, scarabs, a container of expired Whimsy cola, lighter fluid, fresh canned light bulbs, a left sock, printer ink, salad tongs, a 'toy' that looked like it went in Osmund's bedroom- _Wait!_ Katt grabbed it before it could fall into the box's void, flinging it aside. _Don't know how I found it, but I'm_ not _keeping that!_ She rubbed her hands on the nearby leather couch, trying to get the germs off.

Once she finished emptying her backpack though, she let out a sigh of relief, rolling her shoulders, the weight taken off of them.

Meanwhile, Falco finished his little solo on the piano. As the final note lingered in the room, the piano opened up, revealing another key hidden inside. Victorious, Falco smirked as he stuck the key into the door on the other side of the room, opening it up for Katt. He froze as he looked inside. "Whoa..." Falco's gaze went straight up, high into the air.

Katt moved up to see what he was looking at, and she too understood.

A gigantic hexagonal-shaped library was on the other side, three stories tall. Six massive bookshelves occupied most of the floor, each one extending from one of the points of the hexagon to the middle of the room, the spaces between them full of tables filled with stacks of more books and papers. Landings circled the rim of the library, more bookshelves positioned along the outer wall. Above them, a gigantic glass window cast an ominous glow about the room, another lighting strike briefly illuminating the room before thunder boomed through the place. Katt had to admit, in spite of them being inside a spooky castle, this was one amazing looking library. Were it not for present circumstances, it would've been an inviting place to sit down, drink some coffee or tea, crack open a doorstopper of a book, and read the whole evening away.

"All right," Falco stepped into the room, cracking his knuckles. "Time to get to work."

"Uh...work?"

"Betcha this place has a big puzzle to solve. We should get started!" And before Katt could stop him, he took off running towards the middle of the library, going about examining the bookshelves.

"But Falco, how do you even know where we should start? This place is massive!"

He didn't answer, already looking at various tomes along the shelves. Soon, he plucked one off the shelf, thumbing through it.

"How do you even know that's the right book to look at?!" She shouted at him, waving around the room. "Aren't you even gonna check the card catalog? The Doober Decimal System?" _This place looks old enough to still use those things, anyway..._

Falco still ignored her, running a finger along the page, an intense gaze on his face. She'd seen that look on his face many times tonight. He was into puzzle-solving mode now, and Katt doubted anything she said would get him out of it until he was done.

Shaking her head, Katt had a look around the library. _Forget being here all weekend. It'll take a month now at this rate. I see a portrait gallery of the 'proud Saladman line' off in that corner. Probably gotta push buttons under the paintings in the right order or enter dates under them or something. Oh, and there's a fresco that's been turned into a sliding blocks puzzle, with half the blocks missing and laying around god knows where._

She rubbed her face, almost wanting to cry. _I'm starting to look at this place the same way Falco is! How long is it before I go insane like him? I never shoulda let him run off from the Hot Rodders! Now he's a piano-playing, puzzle-solving, junk-hoarding, toilet-diving loonie!_

She looked back up again, spotting another little alcove in one of the walls. _And over here..._ She froze, seeming to feel a chill blow over her body. The alcove she stared at was pitch dark, save for one spotlight focused on a book sitting on a pedestal covered in red velvet, the book propped up on a stand so it could be seen better.

That book...Katt didn't know how she sensed it, but it _radiated_ evil.

And yet, like she was in a trance, she found herself yearning to get closer, as if whispers in her head spoke directly to her subconscious to do so.

_Come to me...Katt Monroe._

Feeling more like she was gliding across the marble floor rather than walking, she paced ever closer to the lone book in the dark alcove. The book was bound in dark brown leather, the same color as rotten skin from a corpse. Rusted metal clamps held it closed, like locks on a cage for a vicious wild animal. Arcane symbols she couldn't identify were carved into the leather, many seeming to have been added over this book's long history. Some of these etchings seemed to form things like warped, tortured faces. It all repulsed her, yet she could not stop her feet from pushing her ever closer to the strange tome.

_Open meeeee... You are my Chosen Ooooone..._

She stood before the accursed book. Everything else around was invisible to her now. Her hand drifted to one of the clamps, shaking as it grasped metal. She pulled on it, feeling the clasp come undone in her hand, moving her hand to the next clasp, and undoing that one as well. Only one clamp was left now, Katt wrapping it in her hand as before. She pulled on it, the last thing before the book's pages would be in the light, and-

**"Nope!"** Katt spun around on the spot, walking away with her hands up. "Nope nope nope! Not messing with that!" _Was that book actually alive or something?_ She wanted to turn around and look at it, but sensed she might fall under its spell again. _I don't get it! I wasn't myself there! I was joking about how I was going insane before, but is it actually happening?_ She rubbed the side of her head. But _I don't_ feel _any different right now. Anyway, I wonder what Falco's doing._

She went back to the center of the hexagonal library, still finding Falco looking through books. By this point he'd made a stack on them on the floor, as he sat on the top of a rolling ladder, reading yet another book.

"Hey, Falco!" she called out to him. "We're wasting time! Let's just climb out that window by the crest door and get out of this place! We're lucky we haven't run into Osmund or Caesar yet, you know!"

Falco didn't respond, still thumbing through his book.

"Did you hear me?! I said let's go!" She shook the ladder underneath him.

He swayed back and forth with the motion, his eyes still focused on the page before him as if nothing were happening.

"Damn it!" She kicked over the nearby stack of books, shouting up at him. "Come on! You could be here for several months and never finish reading all the books here! We don't have time for this, and there's some evil book in the corner! I don't wanna be near it anymore! I'm afraid it's gonna curse me, or summon Andross's ghost for the forty-seventh time, or something!"

Again, he didn't respond, licking his finger and thumbing over to the next page. Angry, she threw one of the books at him. It bumped him square in the shoulder, but he didn't move.

"You know what?!" She screamed. " _It's fine!_ You wanted to split up! So okay, I'll just go my own way, while you stay here! Maybe I'll come back later once I find us a ride or something! At least then I'll be doing something useful, unlike you! I'll know where to find you anyway, since you're probably not leaving this room for the next year or so! Maybe you can eat the dust bunnies for sustenance in the meantime!"

Stamping her feet, she walked away, slamming the door out of the library behind her. Although she couldn't hear properly it over the sound of her footsteps, she could've sworn she heard somebody whispering in her head again, but it was much fainter this time.

_Goddamn iiiiiit..._

~X~

"Interesting." Falco continued to thumb through the book about the works of Wallace Krubish-a playwright from Corneria's antiquity who wrote romances and comedies. He read over the commentary and notes of one of his most famous romantic works... _In the Tempest of Shipping Wars._ You never knew when random trivia about old plays might come in handy in a place like this. Not to mention it was very fascinating work in its own right.

Oh, _another one's here. He's dumber though. Oh well, let's try it again._ There was the sound of a throat being cleared inside the bird's mind. _Falco Lombardiiiiii...come to meeeeee... You are my Chosen Oooooone..._

"Hmm?" Falco looked up. "Who's there? Something wrong with your throat? Your voice is really raspy."

_Loooooook, just come over here, pleeeeeeeease?_

"Uh...sure." Falco slammed the book shut, sliding down the ladder. "Also, you need some cough medicine. Might I recommend some Niquilox Pismol?"

_Man, you are stupiiiii- Umm...yeeeeeeees, that sounds good. But first, come to meeeeeee..._

"If you say so. But promise me you'll run to the corner shop and get some soon, okay?"

_JUSTHURRYUPANDGETOVERHEREOKAY?!_

Falco recoiled and fell to the ground, almost as if he'd taken a physical blow to the head. Sighing, he got back to his feet, dusting himself off. "Okay, jeez laweez. Such a temper."

He soon found a black alcove with the mysterious tome in it, the only light shining directly on that book.

"Oh, sweet!" He ran over, examining the book. "That's some metal-looking shit with the leather and the book clasps! Imma take this!"

He hurriedly undid the clamps, looking inside the book, excitement coursing over his face as he started to read the words.

_Excelleeeeeeent... It is all going to plan._

"Ooooh! A picture of a zombie wizard centurion from two thousand years ago! That's metal all right!"

_...well, as best as the plan can go right now._


End file.
